OFF THE RECORD

A List Of 28 Epic One Liners. Laughing On These Funny Quotes Will Make Abs On Your Beer Gut!

These epic one liners are great way to remind ourselves of a thing or two.

First, that we need to acknowledge things from a different perspective, and second, to see laugh the s*it out of us!

I hope you enjoy reading the following quotes as I did:

  1. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting a tomato in a fruit salad.
  2. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
  3. Children: You spend the first two years of their life teaching them how to walk and talk. The next sixteen? Spend telling them to sit down and shut up.
  4. He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
  5. My mother never realized the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bit*h.
  6. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
  7. If I agree with you, we’d both be wrong.
  8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
  9. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
  10. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
  11. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house faster than the police.
  12. I should’ve known it wasn’t going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I’m a Libra and she’s a bit*h.
  13. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, bit it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
  14. I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
  15. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
  16. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
  17. Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
  18. Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
  19. Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
  20. I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was blaming you.
  21. Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
  22. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
  23. Always borrow money from pessimists. They won’t expect it back.
  24. Some people say “if you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
  25. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
  26. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
  27. I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
  28. War does’t determine who is right. It determines who is left.
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