This is for that person who is suffering on the inside. Someone who seems to be perfectly fine on the outside but are hurting secretly, entirely on their own.
The person who seems to be eating like every other person but falls asleep with a feeling of an all engulfing guilt and self hate that you cannot shake, no matter how hard you try.
The fear that’s set deep in your mind every time you eat out but you fight with your inner demons and don’t let the smile fade away while you are obsessively calculating how many calories you are eating.
The times you overwork yourself, put yourself through strenuous exercise even when your body is giving up because if you don’t, your mind will destroy you and this is the only way you can distract yourself from those thoughts.
Sometimes you even doubt your sickness because you don’t see any physical manifestation or it does not happen so frequently, or the most common one, you feel like you’re too old to have an eating disorder.
All of the above statements are lies that your illness is telling you to stop you from seeking help. Your illness convinces you that you are unnecessarily victimising yourself when you are not actually sick.
The most important thing to know is that an eating disorder has nothing to do with your age, colour or gender. You can fall prey to it even if you are not a teenager or “thin”. Understand that you and your disorder share an abusive relationship that will do everything to keep you trapped.
Your eating disorder is not a phase, it is a serious mental illness that deserves to be treated as seriously as any other illness that one might have. It is not a choice you make; it is not something you can control without help and support and you deserve all the help and support that you might need. The anxiety and the fear that has made home in your being is not a conscious choice you made so don’t invalidate your pain and don’t try convincing yourself that you are faking it.
It is okay to seek help
Reaching out for help does not make you weak, it actually makes you stronger and it makes you a fighter.
Mental illness comes with sporadic good days but these temporary times are not enough and you deserve to be happy. Seeking help will introduce you to effective coping mechanisms that will help you in the long run. The idea of “recovery” itself might make you anxious, and it is absolutely normal to feel that way but don’t let this fear deter you from seeking help and finding comfort.
You deserve to have a life free from these thoughts and anxiety. Fight with your illness, it is always worth it.
If you’re struggling with an eating disorder, call the National Eating Disorder Association hotline at 1-800-931-2237.