7 Deeply Troubling Lessons I Learned By Being “The Other Woman”

It isn’t easy to accept, but, I was once a mistress to a married man. Everyone I talked to about this advised me to keep quiet about it to avoid relentless judgement and name calling, but I don’t think I would want to keep this part of my life a secret as even if it is not morally upright, it was a pretty significant part of my life.

This article is an attempt to share my experience as the other woman that serves as a life lesson today.

1. Sometimes, you go against your values

I met this man at a business event and somehow one thing led to another and we ended up becoming lovers. I had initially found him good looking and was mildly saddened by the glittery wedding ring I noticed on his finger. I tried my absolute best to maintain a distance from him but given my vulnerability at that particular time, owing to my recent divorce, I said yes when he asked me out. I had gone against my values but I didn’t feel like I had a choice anymore as I could feel myself falling in love with him. In the end, I could do nothing but accept the choice I had made.

2. Being the mistress is not as glamorous as it sounds

Being the mistress sounds exciting and adventurous but the hurt overpowers everything. I had to meet him discreetly, trying to not raise any eyebrows, bid farewell to him at the end of the day and never got to go home with him. My business trips with him would end on the airplane itself and I’d have to walk out pretending to be a stranger because his wife would come wait for him. These little things are a constant reminder that I am indeed only “the other woman” and not the woman he is rightfully supposed to be with.

3. You will never be as mean to me as I was to myself

I obviously could not tell a lot of people about it, given the nature of the relationship, but the few ones that I did tell were not exactly kind. I told my son because I did not want to keep any secrets form him and he said that he was not calling me names only because I was his mother. My married friends hid their husbands from me because I had become the home wrecker. After all this, I would still have been alright if my own self would have made peace with the fact, but that was not the case. I was constantly judging myself and my inner monologue is still the meanest thing I have ever heard. The self loathe was off the charts.

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4. Guilty pleasure makes the relationship even more passionate

He was not mine. I could not see him whenever I wanted to, so the little time we did have together became even more special. The limited time that I could have him all to myself made me crave his presence every moment of the day. The number of lies we both had to tell was ridiculous but strangely added to the thrill of it. The struggle made the time more valuable than it actually was.

5. When uncertainty hurts more than heartbreak

When I was with him, it was unparalleled bliss. I was in love with this man. These moments of bliss were immediately followed by moments of doubt and frantic insecurity as I could never be sure if I would hear from him again soon or if I would hear from him again at all. I could not leave the relationship because I was hopelessly in love with him, no matter how much it hurt me. It took me six long months to finally come to a place where I could finally gather enough strength and leave him.

6. Guilt and shame can make you sick

Guilt and shame don’t really end at being emotions but can have devastating effects on your body too. Every time I felt the shame of being in a relationship with a married man I felt a knot forming in my lower abdomen that would hurt. I felt the pain spreading to my chest and would often end up puking and getting a fever. When he finally left, I was relieved in more ways than one.

7. Learn to let go and forgive

Forgiveness takes time. It took me nine months to get out of the relationship that I was in and it honestly took more than I thought it would. I had to let him go to keep my sanity intact. I was fortunate enough to meet his wife and ask for forgiveness that gave me the peace I was in search of.

Let go of all the weakness and take a step that might seem like the end of the world because you owe yourself the kindness and mental peace. In the end it’s only yourself that you have to be with, till the end of time, so listen to what your soul says and do the right thing.

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Originally inspired by Fabienne Slama.

Fab a Core Energy Coach and Hypnotherapist, who works with resilient women disappointed by life and guides them from Heartbreak to Breakthrough so they can become the leader of their life. She is the Author of Renaissance Woman: A Feminine Midlife Crisis from Loss of identity to Rebirth. Visit her website.