The worst thing you could do to somebody you love, is ruin them. I want you to think. Close your eyes, love. Breathe. Picture a body on a cold mosaic floor. Arms flailing, hair tangled in a mess, her entire body convulsing under the tears she cannot hold. Put a name to that face. Put mine. That has been me, for the longest time.
For ages, I have tried to make sense of the ‘why’s and the ‘how’s. I have tried endlessly to find a way out of the maze I built around myself. But it isn’t that easy, is it? How can it be? Generations after generations have torn themselves apart in the name of love, immortalized it in poetry, dance, music, suicide notes. How can I dare imagine it to be easy?
Don’t get me wrong, though. I have no hatred for you. I am only grateful. Immensely grateful.
For the longest time, I was looking for solutions in the mirror. I was trying to blame myself over and over again because at least then I would have a concrete reason to pin-point. How does one live with a whimsicality they do not understand? I have finally realized that I was wrong in putting myself on trial endlessly. It was always you. It was you who chose to leave, who deemed me unworthy, who convinced me that I deserved nothing better than a heart that shattered on a cold, hard floor. Over and over and over again. Today, I can stand tall, look at myself in the very mirror I was trying to break, and say: I am not what you thought of me. I am bigger than how you made me feel!
I am still vulnerable. You do not have the power to change me. But thank you, for teaching me how to keep my guards up. I have learned how to love myself enough to protect myself from the likes of you. Thank you, for putting yourself up as an example of somebody I would never want to be with.
I hit rock bottom. I won’t lie. The light at the end of the tunnel was fading faster than my wounds. I had built my whole world around you, but you kicked me out into space, leaving me gasping for breath. You haven’t been there for me. I was ready to do whatever it took to keep you happy, and you would take half a step in my direction.
You destroyed me, and I am sorry it took me so many months to understand.
I have always maintained that you’re a nice human being. So, the next time you sit yourself down and wonder what went wrong? You did. Know that, always. Think of the times I could barely climb out of bed, or when I didn’t brush my hair for a month, all the times I skipped meals because the thought of having to move made me want to cry. Think of all the thorns you have pushed into us, in the name of love. Remember.
I am beyond all of that, now. I am happy. I can finally say that all these months later. I am okay. I have this sorted. I hold no grudge against who you became or what you did. Chances are, you haven’t found yourself yet. And, I know how hard losing yourself can be.
So, I hope you find your way home. And once you reach, if there is somebody waiting, remember not to treat them like you treated me.