This Brutally Honest Horoscope Shows What Happens When Your Astrologer Has A Bad Day

We all go through rough patches: breakups, death of a near one, problems at work and what not. And yet, we have to live and sustain ourselves… eat, work and sleep. Some people are just better at balancing the burden of emotions. They know how to keep their calm even when everything goes south. It is better to have your doctor be someone who knows how to do his job on a bad day. The more important your job, the higher the stakes when you mess things up. Most of us fail to control and feel like we will blast like a volcano. It takes years to practice restraining and achieve that stable state.

When an astrologer has a bad time, you should expect bitter, sarcastic and brutally honest horoscopes. So here you go:

Aries

Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? “With great power comes great responsibility”. Is that why you argue in the comments section of YouTube all day and binge watch Stranger Things at night? When was the last time you saw the sun shine? Get out of your house for Heaven’s sake and live!

Taurus

You could meet your soul mate today. Someone with that spark and connection. But the person will be years older than you. So some will convince you that “Age is just a number,” and you should seize the day, but you should know this: they are probably perverts and desperate.

Gemini

You might be inspired to go outside your comfort zone and think out of the box today. Be it trying a hand at vegan cooking or going dancing. You may even want to explore and try outfits you never thought of. Leather pants? Polka dotted leggings? Well snap out of it – it is a terrible idea.

Cancer

Today you are going to be gripped by the fear of missing out. You will constantly think everyone in having a splendid time without you, but it is your insecurity that’s doing the talking. They are at home, avoiding the task of having fun with you, because you are terrible anyway.

Leo

Amazing news for all leos – this is totally going to be your week! The ball is in your court. However, the court has judge, a jury, and the ball is attached to a chain. This precisely means that you are probably going to jail. Is not happening enough, keeping at par with your life?

Virgo

People draw inspiration from you because of you skills in motivational speech. “Every cloud has a silver lining,” you say this a lot even when there is no definite origin of this idiom. These are things people say to console, and you are in dire need because your days are not very bright lately.

Libra

You are awesome okay? You dance like nobody’s watching and continue for weeks. This is beautiful, but here’s the bad news: you are an awful dancer!

Scorpio

So people say passion rules but the money you’re making truly determines your worth.

Sagittarius

When you love someone, set them free; that’s your motto. You go by this philosophy because you have some unresolved childhood drama like your father abandoning you emotionally.

Capricorn

You’ve made a lot of progress by not eating junk food! But do you eat glue to make up for it? Oh god you need help, see someone about it. Will you?

Aquarius

Listen to your gut this week. Your heart has the key to treasurable conversations, also the do’s and don’ts. It tells you everything you need to know, just like all your unanswered texts. You are right, no one loves you. (just kidding)

Pisces

“Distance makes the heart grow fonder.” In your case, it is the distance which makes your partner realize that you are an emotional vampire, and he is relaxed without you.

This sarcastic horoscope was meant to make you laugh at your problems. Because laughter is the only critical weapon we possess, or as Mark Twain puts it – “[Humanity] has unquestionably one really effective weapon—laughter. Power, money, persuasion, supplication, persecution—these can lift at a colossal humbug—push it a little—weaken it a little, century by century, but only laughter can blow it to rags and atoms at a blast. Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand.

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