According to a new study, many people who stay friends with their exes are narcissists and psychopaths.
“Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny.” ― Steve Maraboli
Complexities of Modern Day Relationships
Modern day relationships are insanely complicated. There are no definite behavioral patterns and everyone bears their own emotional baggage. Ending any relationship is always difficult, but being friends with someone for whom you deeply cared for and were probably in love with, messes things up even more. It is the breeding ground for low self-esteem issues, expectations that are never fulfilled, and in the end, disappointment. Remember, it is because you two were not compatible that you decided to break up. Even if everything seems to be wrapped in nostalgia once it is a matter of the past, don’t end up neglecting the reality.
The Dark Personality Traits
People who have dark natures, like psychopaths and narcissists, indulge in self-sabotaging behavior. According to Psychology Today, “the hallmarks of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) are grandiosity, a lack of empathy for other people, and a need for admiration.”. Narcissists believe they are superior and deserve special treatment. People who are outwardly sane or “normal” and have a “moral depravity” or “moral insanity,” can be categorized as psychopaths.
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What We Found Out From Different Studies
An estranged lover will always be toxic – they will be less concerned about you, won’t give you the support you need and they are definitely not trustworthy anymore. According to a study by Oakland University researchers Justin Mogilski and Lisa Welling, the primary reason for keeping touch with an extinguished flame is sex and owes much to dark personality traits. These people choose friends who are of some advantage to them and prefer short-term relationships over stable, long-term ones. The other reason for maintaining contact is that their precious relationship was “reliable, trustworthy, and of sentimental value”. This shows that they are not monsters and are genuinely good people despite their vindictive nature.
Dr. Ferretti, narcissism expert, believes that “Narcissists hate to fail or lose, so will do what they can to maintain some connection if they didn’t make the choice to end it.” They cannot handle rejection and take time to heal. There are several benefits of being in a healthy relationship. According to Dr. Ferretti those who share an intimate bond are “physically active, more socially connected, live longer, and are physically healthier”. The bottom line however is that the narcissist derived happiness in the previous relationship and that they want to keep their ex close and find opportunities to reclaim what they once shared.
Narcissist are very tactful. They may feel their social status is enhanced due to their partner. This may be another strong reason to hold on to what is in the past. The concept of “trophy wives” Dr. Ferretti said, feeds the ego of the narcissist and is a constant source of validation. He adds that, “Narcissists have a tremendous amount of pride and can’t accept others being with their ex.”
Learn to Let Go
So the next time a message from your ex pops up asking you to hang out, decide if you are ready for it. It does not always have to mean something. In most of the cases, this connection fades as one has to draw a line somewhere. Staying friends with your former partner is toxic for both the parties and is essentially a sign of weakness. Carving out an individual identity is vital in the modern world. No relationship should make you compromise your values or make you forget yourself.
“Sooner or later we’ve all got to let go of our past.” ― Dan Brown