I have spent many years as a marriage counselor, working with people and navigating them through tricky relationship crisis. Having seen various complicated situations in marriages, there is one simple yet dangerous truth that most men fail to notice – that no matter how hard it is women will leave men even if they’ve loved them deeply.
It’s not that they stop loving them. It is a terrible thing for them which breaks their heart. It’s not easy for them to leave the man they fell in love with- man they had kids with; Man they decided to share a home and life with. Believe me… it takes all the courage they can muster which finally makes them leave; not forgetting the resources they have to rally together. There are many reasons behind this, but one reason that I’ve seen most often is what I’m going to talk about here.
Presence. You read that right. Women leave when their man is no longer present actively. He may be working, gaming, fishing or sailing – it could be anything. It’s not like they’re bad men. They may be perfect fathers or sons but they’re not doing a very good job at being a nice husband. Their presence signifies their devotion to their partners. Mostly it happens once they start taking their wives for granted. This is where the problem begins.
Women have often told me how their husbands won’t even realize if someone else comes and sweeps them off their feet. This level of passiveness is indeed scary and upsetting. I’ve seen them break down while talking about it.
To all the men reading this – I’m not taking any sides about who’s right here. I can only talk about what I see so often. You may react badly to this but don’t treat your wife as if she’s your property. She doesn’t owe you anything if you don’t earn it. You have to fight for her every day, every moment. You do this by first getting rid of that passivity that has drained all your passion.
She has feelings which need to be well communicated; and who else but with you? She’s probably craving one decent conversation about what she’s thinking about in days, but she is not getting an appropriate response from you. A nod WILL NOT work, no matter how polite.
She wants your full attention, for you to feel her. She wants to feel you and your passion. She doesn’t need your half-hearted groping or quick release sex. Mind you, she doesn’t want that passion just in sex. She wants it in you. She wants to see you come alive like you once did when she fell for you. That’s what attracted her to you. Search yourself for it. Where did you lose it? When did you stop living?
Are you really focusing on her when she’s with you? Notice if your mind wanders. Look at her. Deeply. Don’t avoid her gaze. Say that you still want to look at her and know her every day, even after so many years. But don’t say this just to pacify her. Do it only if you mean it.
She knows you’re busy. She doesn’t need hours or days. Five minutes each day will work wonders if you commit to it. Notice her. Notice her reactions when you touch her. Notice what you feel when you’re with her.
Develop a state of mindfulness around her and communicate with her your honest emotions. Make sure that for these five minutes, you’re completely with her, for her. Trust her and most of all, be completely true to both of you, without any judgment. Once you start doing this, you’ll find your marriage getting better every day.
Note: The gender dynamic outlined above is reversible. It can go both ways.