Once in your lifetime, or maybe twice, you’ll meet a guy who will look like everything you’ve ever wanted. I did too. I kid you not when I say that I almost considered him the closest I will ever be to heaven. And then, I don’t exactly know how, just like sand, it slipped out of the palm of my hand and I kept watching. Watching and weeping in pain.
But it just doesn’t end there. He left. For the better or worse, as I was coming to terms with it, until one morning I woke up and realized that my loss was more than just a guy. The loss was me. And that is when I knew why everything around me looked awfully dark.
I sat in front of the mirror. There was a different aura about me. It almost felt like I was in someone else’s body and I didn’t like it. One of the worst things that can ever happen to any human is when they start feeling foreign in their own skin.
I clearly remember not always being this way. I used to be a happy person, very quirky in nature and extremely friendly. I loved the idea of being in love!
I wasn’t the same person that I was when he had entered my life and I could clearly see that, out of the hundred changes he made in me, most of them weren’t for the good. I went wrong when I started seeing all the good in his bad.
I trusted him and that was more valuable than loving him. I trusted him with my deepest darkest secrets without realizing that he’d use them against me when things went wrong. I believed him when he said my secrets were safe with him. Ever since then, I started to think about a million times before opening up to people. That is how deeply I was shaken.
He felt like home. Other than my dad, I had never felt so safe with any man. He made me believe that he was my partner in crime and my sidekick, but the reality was completely different. He made me put my guard down and allowed me to be completely vulnerable in front of him just so that he doesn’t have to face any resistance when he attacked me emotionally.
I was in love with him. I knew I was in love when I started making excuses for the way he hurt me. I was defending him in front of myself and that should’ve been the hint for me. I chose to turn a blind eye to his wrongdoings because I was scared that he wouldn’t turn back once he decided to walk out on me. The truths lay bare in front of me. It was my fault that I chose to keep my eyes shut.
I paid for loving him. I became a prisoner of my own love. After a while, it started feeling like the garden I was making was actually a grave I was digging for myself. I made sure he felt like the best man on Earth, because for me he was. I didn’t realize that when I started feeding his ego, it only grew bigger. He started feeling good about himself just when he would put me down. And that was hurtful.
Everything became about him. There is nothing wrong in being all about someone you love. But it is downright alarming when the other person is the only one existing. And that is what happened to me. In time, I faded in the relationship. It was like he was the center of the Universe and I was spinning around him. My goals, my dreams and my ambitions were never a part of our conversations. More importantly, he never tried to change this. He was happy knowing that he was the only focal point. I had lost myself to a narcissistic man. He made me feel like I was only lovable under certain conditions, one of which was giving air to his ego and self esteem.
I rebuilt myself. My mom always told me that it was in my nature to give my heart and soul to something that I love. Only this time, it was a person. After walking to hell and back for that man, and seeing it all go to waste, I sorted myself. I decided on gathering myself piece by piece and retrieving my peace. And the only way I could do that was by accepting the truth that everything was over and it was all for the better. And by letting it go … I stopped forcing myself into anything. I didn’t even force myself to move on. It took its own beautiful time. I stopped punishing myself for being in love with the wrong person. I did what I did out of love and he didn’t owe me anything. I realized that the only one who will make me their first priority is myself and so I started treating myself the way I wanted others to treat me.
I know that the first level of healing feels like the end of the world. You start believing that this is how you’re going to feel always and that you deserved to feel miserable, but trust me, please! This is not your final destination. You will have a lot more respect for yourself if you become the survivor in your story and not the victim.
It gets better. I promise.